Are Same Sex Couples so Different? By Barry Borham

Research paper: What happens when we fall in love? Same Sex couples: Myths, Facts and Fallacies and the impact on counselling.

Table of Contents

1 Introduction

2 Stereotypes of gay and lesbians and their relationships: Facts & Fallacies

2.1 The reality of Gay and Lesbian relationships

2.2 What are the issues from the point of Lesbian and Gay groups?

3 How do same sex couples and heterosexual couples compare and contrast?

3.1 What are the attractors that draw people together to form a relationship?

4 What are the problems that bring couples to counselling?

4.1 Particular issues confronting gay and lesbian relationships that may visit with you in the counselling environment

5 Conclusion:

6 References

1 Introduction

Regardless of whether we are looking at a homosexual or heterosexual relationships when humans fall in love there are a number of factors that are key to the attraction that we feel to another. Of most importance are a sense of fun and a sense of humour, intelligence and whether you are a kind, supportive and considerate person. (Felmlee, Orzechowicz, & Fortes, 2008, p. 9) While this is true for all relationships irrespective of sexual orientation a number of stereotypes have been developed within our society which label homosexuals and their relationships as deviant and debased, as sick, odd and aberrant.

While same sex couples will experience many of the issues, both positive and negative, experienced by heterosexual couples, there are a number of factors that impact on same sex couples because of their position as an often marginalised group in our society. While we, as counsellors, need to be aware of the similarities between same sex and opposite sex couples we also need to be aware of some of the particular issues that may impact on a homosexual couple because of their sexual orientation and the stereotypes and prejudice that exists in regard to that orientation.

In carrying out research for this paper I looked at a number of academic articles but I also visited several web sites run by gay and lesbian organisations. Although these sites are not peer reviewed they provide a window into the beliefs and experiences of people with a gay or lesbian orientation. Their experiences and beliefs are important as it is these, and the emotions generated as a result that impact on their life experience and will be a motivator in prompting them, either as individuals or couples, to visit us in our counselling rooms.

2 Stereotypes of gay and lesbians and their relationships: Facts & Fallacies

A number of myths and stereotypes circulate in our society about same sex couples. These include statements such as:

(Brown, 2007b; Gay Straight Alliance, 2009)

These stereotypes are still prominently debated in society and the mass media with, for example, the Dr Phil show, on the 6^th May, 2009, being devoted to how intersex individuals should be treated with some commentators on the show maintaining that “sexual maladjustments”, including homosexuality and intersex individuals, could be converted to “normal heterosexuality” through therapy. Needless to say this assertion was hotly contested.

In many nations homosexuality is contested at the political level. Felmlee, et al. (2008, p. 1) cites legislative action proposed in Oregon, USA which sought to make same sex marriages unconstitutional by labelling same sex couples as “hypersexual, sexually deviant and unable to maintain long term monogamous relationships” In Australia the Human Rights & Equal Opportunity Commission (HREOC, 2007) Inquiry into discrimination against people in same-sex relationships found 58 federal laws which discriminate against same-sex couples and their children.

Within the literature various authors identify three main stereotypes that are emphasised in our culture being the “exhibition of gender atypical traits, sexual promiscuity and sexual predatory tendencies.” (Felmlee et al., 2008, p. 2) Herek cited in Felmlee et al. (2008, p. 3), maintains that such stereotypes are “presuppositions ... based on biased cognitive processes, such as the recall of stereotype-confirming information, and therefore illustrate a form of sexual prejudice.” What we are left with is a “relationship stereotype for heterosexual couples” that “is all about love, intimacy, communication and family; while for homosexual couples the stereotype tends to be about diverse sexuality, and unusual sexual practices” (Brown, 2007a, p. 77).

2.1 The reality of Gay and Lesbian relationships

People who are gay or lesbian are generally physically indistinguishable from people with a heterosexual orientation. The truth is that we know nothing about the person who has come to see us in counselling other than what they reveal about themselves. Approaching the counselling session with any form of stereotype in mind blocks us from getting to know the reality of our clients experience and prevents us from being truly present and authentic (Egan, 2002).

The actuality of homosexual couples relationships differ quite markedly from the picture painted by these stereotypes. Brown (2007b) cites a number of studies showing that the majority of gay and lesbian couples live in long term committed relationships. Nor is there proof that homosexuality is a form of mental illness and as such was removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) in 1973. Also the “literature suggests that children reared by individuals with same- versus opposite-sex sexual preferences are generally not distinguishable” from each other (Roisman et al. 2008, p.91).

When comparing same sex to heterosexual couples the evidence is that committed same sex couples “are neither less satisfied with their relationships nor report higher levels of the kinds of personal attributes that mitigate against the quality and longevity of adult relationships” (Roisman et al. 2008, p.99) In fact Gottman & Levenson found from a 12 year study of same sex relationships that:

© “Gay/lesbian couples are more upbeat in the face of conflict. Compared to straight couples, gay and lesbian couples use more affection and humour when they bring up a disagreement, and partners are more positive in how they receive it.”

(Gottman & Levenson, 2009)

As a result of these studies Gottman stated that "straight couples may have a lot to learn from gay and lesbian relationships" (Gottman & Levenson, 2009).

Kurdek cited in Roisman (2008, pp 91-92) “identified the following six key principles that govern same-sex relationships:

(a) Many gay men and lesbians identify themselves as being involved in a committed relationship;

(b) One salient difference between gay and lesbian relationships is that lesbians tend to be more sexually exclusive than gay men;

(c) Gay men, and particularly lesbians, are more likely to endorse an “ethic of equality” compared with their heterosexual counterparts;

(d) As with heterosexual relationships, gay and lesbian partnerships show reliable changes over time;

(e) Few differences emerge when comparing global levels of satisfaction for gay, lesbian, and heterosexual couples; and

(f) Predictors of relationship stability and satisfaction are consistent across gay, lesbian, and heterosexual couples” (emphasis added)

2.2 What are the issues from the point of Lesbian and Gay groups?

Many gay and lesbian groups have as one of their prime concerns the search for equality. The Gay & Lesbian Rights Lobby on their website urge people to “Get Involved - Become a member or volunteer and support our campaigns for equality” (Gay & Lesbian Rights Lobby, 2009) This search for equality is stated eloquently on the Tasmanian Gay & Lesbian Rights Group website where they state that “after a nine year campaign which saw the involvement of the United Nations, Amnesty International, the Federal Government and the High Court, supporters of gay law reform have finally achieved their dream of equality before the law for all Tasmanians.” (Tasmanian Gay & Lesbian Rights Group, 1997)

Notwithstanding this 1997 statement the Human Rights & Equal Opportunity Commission Inquiry into discrimination against people in same-sex relationships in 2007 found 58 federal laws that discriminate against same-sex couples and their children. The inquiry heard evidence for a number of people in gay or lesbian relationships with one witness stating,

One of our lesbian friends lay ill and dying in her hospital bed. When it came time for her to die the hospital staff prevented her partner from entering her hospital room and sitting with her at the end of her life because she was not the ‘spouse’. Our friend died, alone. Her partner sat outside in the corridor prevented from being with her. She continues to suffer great distress that her life-time partner died without her comfort and without knowing she was there with her. (HREOC, 2007)

It is apparent from various gay and lesbian web sites that the concerns of those communities are similar to the concerns of heterosexual couples i.e. concerns for themselves, their partners and their children. It is also apparent that the quest for equality when addressing these concerns continues as is evidenced in the document “Know where you, your partner and kids stand under the law. A simple 12-point plan to asserting your relationship and parenting rights” (Gay & Lesbian Rights Lobby, 2009b).This document suggests that gay and lesbian couples, among other things, ensure that they have taken each other and their children, into account in their wills, insurance, tax affairs, employment and welfare arrangements so that they are not discriminated against (Gay & Lesbian Rights Lobby, 2009b). All of these are concerns that would resonate with heterosexual couples.

Given that many of the concerns are the same for same sex and heterosexual couples it is worth considering how both forms of relationship compare and contrast in their relationship outcomes and what prompts same sex couples to form a relationship in the first place.

3 How do same sex couples and heterosexual couples compare and contrast?

Josephson states that “majority of authors indicate that same-sex and heterosexual couples are more similar than they are different” (2003, p. 304). When looking at the similarities and difference between couples Brown (2007b, p.287) maintains that “the love is the same – it is the intimacy that is frequently different.” Moreover, Brown identifies that when we compare same sex and heterosexual couples it is the fact that two people are in an intimate relationship that produces the similarities that we see. The differences between the two types of relationship appears to be due to the fact that people with a same sex orientation are frequently oppressed in our society (Brown, 2007b).

Ridge and Feeney, (cited in Josephson, 2003) have found, when comparing heterosexual and homosexual subjects that homosexual subjects were no more or less securely attached than heterosexual subjects. They also “found that the frequencies of the four attachment styles did not differ significantly between homosexual and heterosexual participants.”(2003, p. 304)

Irrespective of the sexual orientation of a couple the fundamental cause of relationship distress “is the lack of accessibility and responsiveness of at least one partner, and the problematic ways in which the partners deal with their insecurities when this occurs.” (Josephson, 2003, p.303) Therefore, the aim in therapy for heterosexual and homosexual couples is “to change the ways the couple deals with their insecurities and to establish a safe haven and secure base for each partner” (Josephson, 2003, p.303)

Gottman’s research has found that “overall, relationship satisfaction and quality are about the same across all couple types” be they straight, gay or lesbian (2009). His research also supports that of earlier researchers, such as Kurdeck and Schwartz (cited in Gottman, 2009, p.1), that found “that gay and lesbian relationships are comparable to straight relationships in many ways” (Gottman, 2009, p.1). However, he also notes that while same sex couples, like straight couples, deal with the same issues encountered in any intimate relationships there are a number of issues which uniquely impact on same sex couples such as “isolation from family, workplace prejudice, and other social barriers” (Gottman, 2009, p. 1).

While some authors cite that same sex couples may have higher rates of problematic issues, such as substance abuse, others dispute this. For example Josephson (2003) states that counselors should be aware of the possibility of such issues in any couple relationship that they are presented with in practice .

3.1 What are the attractors that draw people together to form a relationship?

Studies on the factors responsible for stimulating attraction in couples show similar findings for both heterosexuals and homosexuals. The findings “emphasize mental, positive personality, and family-oriented characteristics when considering a long term romantic partner” (Felmlee et al., 2008, p. 4). In fact, Felmlee et al. (2008, p. 5) state that the “general relationship processes and functioning” are similar when comparing heterosexual and homosexual couples and that “the same variables predict relationship quality and stability”.

Specific factors that foster attraction, in men and women, are:

· “fun,

· sense of humour,

· intelligent,

· kind, supportive and considerate.”

“The qualities rated the lowest included

· the partner’s nice house,

· financial security,

· success, &

· ambitiousness,

traits that reflect material success, or the potential for such success” (Felmlee, et al., 2008, p. 9).

“The identical general, primary attractors emerge in the analyses (e.g., extroversion, intelligence and agreeableness)” and the factors were shown to be similar for both men and women and are consistent across same sex and heterosexual couples (Felmlee et al., 2008, p. 12-13). Studies, cited by Josephson, (2003, p. 304) provide evidence that “the basic bonds of love and intimacy, factors key to attachment, are the same” for both heterosexual and homosexual couples. When both long-term homosexual and heterosexual relationships were examined it was seen “that patterns of roles, conflict and its management, decision making, and sexual and psychological intimacy” did not vary regardless of the sexual orientation of the couple (Josephson, 2003, p. 304).

4 What are the problems that bring couples to counselling?

Romantic relationships “involve a combination of three innate behavioural systems described by Bowlby: attachment, care giving, and sex.” (Schachner, Shaver & Mikulincer, 2003, p. 18) As stated earlier the underlying basis for relationship stress “is the lack of accessibility and responsiveness of at least one partner, and the problematic ways in which the partners deal with their insecurities when this occurs” (Josephson, 2003, p.303).

A breakdown in these systems can express themselves in Gottman’s signs of a failing relationship i.e.

“Harsh start-up”

“The four horsemen

· Criticism

· Contempt

· Defensiveness

· Stonewalling”

“Flooding”

“Body language”

“Failed Repair Attempts”

“Bad memories “(Gottman, 2000, p, 27-43)

Brown identifies that when we compare same sex and heterosexual couples “some of the similarities are related directly to being in a close intimate relationship irrespective of sexuality, and many differences related to same sex couples being part of an oppressed minority.” (Brown, 2007b, p.288) Accordingly, we need to examine the particular issues that might confront gay and lesbian relationship.

4.1 Particular issues confronting gay and lesbian relationships that may visit with you in the counselling environment

The very fact that stereotyping, labelling and discrimination take place against homosexuals reinforces for them their sense of difference in the face of social intolerance. Cass & Maylon, (cited in Josephson, 2003, p. 312) state that when reviewing the literature on adolescent development, that it is this awareness of difference that is at the root of findings that “identity formation in gay men and lesbians [and] the sense of self is constricted by a premature foreclosure on identity exploration” They go on to state that the literature “also suggests that attachment needs are often strongly disowned, and that many aspects of self are disregarded due to shame” (Cass & Maylon cited in Josephson, 2003, p. 312).

“Homophobia works in part and very powerfully through the medium of labels” (Barris, 2007, para 1.).Labels, like ideology and concepts of self, are socially derived and impact on how we see ourselves and how we see others. The label 'homosexual' is at times interpreted as deviant, wrong, against the natural order and that the homosexual person should not exist. These labels are internalised by some gay and lesbian individuals resulting in extremely negative & problematic views of self. (Barris, 2007) Barris goes on to suggest that “the specter of the label 'homosexual' (or 'gay,' 'queer,' 'dyke,' 'faggot'), all on its own, can and often does terrify or appall” (Barris, 2007, para 1.).

According to Brown (2007b) there are a number of key issues that can impact differently on homosexual couples as compared to heterosexual couples including:

1. “Relationship stability in the context of homophobia and gay identity

2. Social support and the process of coming out

3. The nature of commitment and its demonstration

4. Gender stereotypes may influence couple dynamics: Fusion and distancing

5. Sexual practices and their management within relationships”

(Brown, 2007b, p. 295-302)

As such Brown (2007a) goes on to cite a number of questions which might be helpful when assessing gay and lesbian couples who come for counselling with relationship issues. These address issues such as social supports, gender stereotypes and behaviour, the time frame when they came out or if one or both hide their sexuality, what is the relationship with their family of origin, are their negotiated rules around sexual activity and how do they demonstrate commitment (Brown, 2007a, pp. 79-81)

Brown (2007a, pp.81-85) also provides several strategies that might be efficacious when working with same sex couples including:

1. “Rituals and the process of normalising the relationship by conducting couples therapy.

2. Clarifying the nature of the emotional commitment to the relationship

3. Managing the lack of diversity that exists with single sex couples

4. Developing a stronger sense of self to reinforce the relationship

– E.g. Internalised homophobia

5. Developing social support networks for relationship

6. Managing issues of sex in same sex relationships

7. Dealing with the sexuality of the therapist”

However, it is apparent that as many therapeutic models lend themselves to working with homosexual couples as heterosexual couples.

5 Conclusion:

It is apparent that a number of stereotypes exist around same sex relationships and that these stereotypes have been disproved by a significant body of research. The similarities between same sex and heterosexual committed relationship has also been clearly demonstrated. However, there are issues that impact on same sex relationships that are not experienced by heterosexual relationships and these primarily come as a result of homosexual people forming an oppressed minority within our society.

As counsellors we need to be aware of the stereotypes that can label and oppress gays and lesbians and their relationships. We also need to be awake to the issues which impact on any committed relationship which may be impacting on a same sex couple that comes to us for assistance with their relationship. However, we also need to be aware of and prepared to work with issues that may impact on same sex relationships because of the way homosexuality is viewed within our society.

6 References

Barris, J. (2007).The Power of Homophobic Labelling: A Post-Structuralist Psychoanalytic and Marxist Explanation inRadical Psychology: A Journal of Psychology, Politics & Radicalism; 2007, Vol. 6 Issue 1, Retrieved on 27th April 2009 fromhttp://web.ebscohost.com.ezproxy1.acu.edu.au/ehost/detail?vid=8&hid=103&sid=d2217cdc-1973-4b19-a3ff-67969fa9c691%40sessionmgr109&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#db=a9h&AN=28726647

Brown, J. (2007a). Therapy with same sex couples: Guidelines for embracing the subjugated discourse, and Challenging the stereotypes of gay male and lesbian couples: a research perspective, in Shaw, E & Crawley, J. Couple Therapy in Australia , Issues Emerging from Practice. Melbourne : Psychoz Publications..

Brown, J. (2007b). Challenging the stereotypes of gay male and lesbian couples: a research perspective, in Shaw, E & Crawley, J. Couple Therapy in Australia , Issues Emerging from Practice. Melbourne : Psychoz Publications.

Egan, G (2002) The skilled helper (7^th Ed.). Pacific Grove , Calif. : Brooks/Cole

Felmlee, D. H., Orzechowicz, D. and Fortes, C. E., (2008). "Fairy Tales: Attraction in Same-Sex Relationships" Paper presented at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association Annual Meeting 31^st July 2008, Sheraton Boston and the Boston Marriott Copley Place, Boston, MA Retrieved 4^th March 2009 from http://www.allacademic.com/meta/p242905_index.html

Gay & Lesbian Rights Lobby, (2009a). Retrieved on 4th March 2009 from http://glrl.org.au/index.php/Table/Get-Involved/Get-Involved/

Gay & Lesbian Rights Lobby (2009b). Your Rights Checklist Retrieved 27th April 2009 from http://glrl.org.au/index.php/Rights/Rights/Your-Rights-Checklist

Gay Straight Alliance (2009), Myths & Misconceptions, Retrieved on 27^th April, 2009 from the Association of Gay, Lesbian & Bisexual Issues in Counseling of Alabama website at http://www.aglbical.org/2MYTHS.htm

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2000). The seven principles for making marriage work. London : Orion.

Gottman, J., & Levenson, R. (2009)12-year study of Gay & Lesbian Couples Retrieved on 27th April 2009 fromhttp://www.gottman.com/research/gaylesbian/12yearstudy/

HREOC Human Rights & Equal Opportunity Commission, (2007) Retrieved on 27^th April, 2009 from http://www.hreoc.gov.au/HUMAN_RIGHTS/gay_lesbian/

Josephson, G. J. (2003) Using an Attachment-Based Intervention with Same-Sex Couples in Johnson, Susan M. (Editor). Attachment Processes in Couple and Family Therapy. New York, NY, USA: Guilford Publications, Incorporated,

Malley, M. and Tasker, F. (2007)'“The Difference that Makes a Difference”: What Matters to Lesbians and Gay Men in Psychotherapy, Journal of Gay & Lesbian Psychotherapy,11:1,93 — 109..

Roisman, G.I., Clausell, E., Holland , A., Fortuna, K., & Elieff, C. (2008) Adult Romantic Relationships as Contexts of Human Development: A Multimethod Comparison of Same-Sex Couples With Opposite-Sex Dating, Engaged, and Married Dyads in Developmental Psychology Vol. 44, No. 1, 91–101

Schachner, D.A.; Shaver, P.E.; Mikulincer, M. (2003) Ch. 2 Adult Attachment Theory, Psychodynamics and Couple Relationships, An Overview, in Johnson, S.M.; Whiffen, V.E. (eds) Attachment Processes in Couple and Family Therapy, New York: Guildford

Tasmanian Gay & Lesbian Rights Group, (1997) Retrieved on 27th April 2009 from http://tglrg.org/index/C0_4_1/)